REFLECTION. 

     
       Part I. 

I am lost. All my life, I wanted to be one thing; different. I wanted to be unique, set apart from the crowd, distinguished from the lot. It was more vivid in my childhood than it is as a young adult. As a child, I did almost everything a child would, at least with the impoverished resources I had, nevertheless I maintained a normal childhood but even in that conventional and restricted atmosphere it was still limpid that I was not like the other kids. 

I stood apart effortlessly. I was able to read, write and speak good English at a very tender age, an unpopular feat with which most of my peers were still struggling, my subconscious radiantly sparkled and I could sense wrong even without being told, I knew injustice and could never fully understand most things adults did, or the reason behind their actions. I never cared about growing up, in fact I abhorred the thought of it, mostly because grown-ups only seemed to care for nothing else but themselves and would do anything for their self-serving intents to materialize. I just could not stand it. I thought it was the innocence of infancy that was responsible for this mindset and it should have waned through the years of adolescence to puberty, but it did not. Many said the hand of God was on me, that He had chosen me for a purpose, I become glad whenever they said this, given the special place God had in my heart but then I grew up and I ask; are we not naturally supposed to care for each other? Do we not belong to the same human race and share the same planet?  

Even as a grown-up I still hold my convictions and can also defend them but I fail to see anything unique in it, I could not arrive at the understanding of how being humane sets me apart from the rest and to me it ceased to be special, ergo I cannot be different for that sake. For being humane. But the problem is, I want to be different, I desire to be seen in an extraordinary perspective and since my childhood beliefs are incapable of giving me that, I sought forcibly for other paths that can get me there, otherwise, I would be a leaf in the wind. I have struggled to find that special thing, matter of fact, the futile search has made me jaded about life, nothing quite excites me anymore, it all looks the same to me or of very little importance, so much that I don’t give a thought to the logic behind routine happenings.

 I have simply become unattached to life and everyone around me. I walk around with a smug on my face like one who’s been deeply wronged and it drives people away. I wonder if they think I am normal, though the obvious hint that can be gleaned from my demeanor is that I am sad. Perhaps I am. Perhaps the fact that I live in a place where no one sees beyond the tip of their noses saddens me, that they all prefer to live according to the dictates of the society and never looking deeper to find who they truly are, yes perhaps these clichés and seared norms infuriate me. Yet I cannot blame the world for whom I have become, it will be unjust to disown my burdens and deny my faults because truly I have allowed no other passenger on my path, it’s a one way track and I am its only walker. 

Often I preach on the revelational advantages of being open minded, of how it frees the yoke of egoistic compulsions and opens a way to profound peace, knowledge and even happiness, yet while I am aware of this truth, I have failed not to practice but to indulge its frivolous facet. I have refused to leave myself to free will by shutting off parts of me that hold the core precepts of my nature and letting go dispensable convictions, therefore leaving me with the restricted access to a unilateral world view. That is why till present I still do not understand fun or its importance. Alas.